Let's talk over dinner, NOT!

It's happened to you. A bunch of loud voiced people at the table next to yours at a restaurant have talked about their problems/ affairs/ philosophy non-stop, acting as if they are alone in bloody space and no one can hear them. You usually sit quiet and suffer, you don't want to make a scene.

Well, it happened to the Man today. I was out with my lady friend for dinner and I was seated next to a Public Address System of a man and a caffeine-overdosed woman, who had chosen to settle their deep-seated emotional issues in a restaurant. But I wasn't going to sit quiet. Here are a few ways you can try to escape from your irritating restaurant neighbour and salvage your meal:

1. Act out their fantasy

Say one of them is narrating how her best friend betrayed her and stole her boyfriend away. Well, what's a good story if it's not in 3D? Start dramatizing it at your table. Slap the person sitting opposite you, screaming "I never knew you would do that to me, you lying bitch!" After five minutes of this, they will either let you take over or run out of the restaurant. Probably the latter.

This might not work if the neighbours are having a general philosophical discussion about, say, the state of world affairs. It also might not work if you're eating with people who don't like to be slapped mid-meal. So, you should:

2. Take advantage

Since they seem to be completely oblivious of the discomfort of the people around them, perhaps they would not notice if you were to act like a waiter, go to their table and take away their dishes, or bring them dishes they did not order? Maybe send your bill over to their table. This might be particularly easy to do as the actual waiters in the restaurant might be very willing to collude with you against a common pest.

3. Beat them (if you can't join them)

Usually these settings have one person who is talking incessantly and others who are listening. Well, you need to set up a competing discussion. Start discussing the craziest news, real and/or made up, like Aishwarya Rai moving in next door and your childhood friend being elected dictator of Honululu. As soon as all the listeners (even the ones at the pest table) start listening to you and not the first speaker, stop talking and stare at their faces awkwardly.

4. Listen... real close

They seem to be wanting you to listen, well, maybe you should. Act very interested in their conversation. Look them in the eye, nod (dis)approvingly at everything they say and start taking notes. Shed a sentimental tear when something sad happens, laugh at their jokes, take down phone numbers, pretend to have a heart attack if there's a tense moment, say bless you when one of them sneezes... basically creep them out till they stop talking.

5. Say cheese

Whip out a camera and start recording them. Tell them their conversation is so mindbogglingly interesting that you want the whole world to listen to what they are saying and hence you will put this video up on youtube. Or on MTV, if you have contacts.

These are just some of the way you can get rid of pesky loudmouths who destroy your peaceful meal. Or you could just do what I did... grab your lighter and set their tablecloth on fire while they are not looking.