New Year Resolutions - Part 1

Except that I'm not making them. The world should make a few resolutions for next year, to make sure that we have a better time. And it had better not break them.

1. No more scams:
2010 saw the most scams since... well, 2009. It definitely saw some of the most audacious scams ever - with A. Raja making the whole of India feel inadequate for not having a single word for lakh crore, the team behind the Commonwealth Games making everyone think they'd wandered into Zimbabwe, where a single mattress costs lakhs of rupees, with onion prices skyrocketing (OK, this is not technically a scam) ... Everyone seemed to be making pots of money illegally in 2010, except me. And you. This must stop.

It makes it too easy for newspapers to fill up space.

2. 1983 part 2:
There's a World Cup next year. And India might actually win it. That would be a nice resolution for 2011 to make.

3. Less holidays on Saturdays:
Every public holiday this year seemed to be on a Saturday - from Independence Day (OK, that was a Sunday) to Christmas and New Year's Day. The worst part is that 2011 will be just as bad, with all the holidays falling on Sundays.

And we all know what's happening in:

4. 2012-eve:
Since a lot of very wise people think the world will end in 2012, 2011 should resolve to be like the last wish and the last meal granted to a condemned prisoner - something special.

5. Less bizarre relationship choices:
Not many men who are married to a Swedish supermodel would cheat. That's bizarre. Not too many things that Shane Warne can do, relationship-wise, will surprise anyone anymore, but Liz Hurley? That's bizarre. A headline saying: Elton John welcomes baby boy. That's bizarre. Add to that the daily dose of bizarre-ness one can find in everyone's favourite advice column in the papers, and 2011 has to do a lot to improve.

Wait for Part 2, coming up tomorrow.

How to understand your girlfriend - for dummies...

... or for scientists, which is pretty much the same. For the first time ever, this topic has been treated with the respect it deserves, so that you know exactly what to do when something goes wrong. I'm like a doctor! This is part 1 of my prescription.


Symptom
Girlfriend is not talking to you.
Problem
You have forgotten something, could it be her birthday?
Solution
Pick a gift from the assortment of emergency gifts that you have hidden, and give to girlfriend. If you do not have any emergency gifts, buy some for the next time and pray for now.

Symptom
Girlfriend screaming at you and you have no idea what she is talking about.
Problem
Inability to comprehend feminine language.
Solution
Try to put the words coming out of her mouth in sentence form and understand it. Practice conversation with close friends first before trying this. Be prepared for failure.

Symptom
Girlfriend is sleeping.
Problem
Girlfriend is tired, or bored.
Solution
Check if and when you had sex today. If it's after sex, good, go to sleep. If before sex, bad, wake up girlfriend. If it is during sex, consult doctor and get appropriate medication.

Symptom
Girlfriend spending too much time with her girlfriends.
Problem
She needs female companionship.
Solution
Have multiple girlfriends of yours living together. More realistically, try to be more metrosexual.

Symptom
Girlfriend says she needs more space.
Problem
You are not giving her space.
Solution
Save a million dollars and book a trip for two in the next Russian space mission. Or buy her a diamond ring.

Symptom
Girlfriend not at home.
Problem
You don't have girlfriend.
Solution
Get girlfriend. Or get internet connection.

This post was just one example of how men struggle to understand women. This Saturday, you can watch the definitive play on female empowerment. Catch the Vagina Monologues live at the Comedy Store, Mumbai. More details here.

The story of the story of the fox and the rabbit

On this blog, you usually hear from The Man. Today, I shall show you a peek into the life and times of The Boy. The Irritating Boy.

Let's start the story... So once upon a time in a forest, there was a fox, a dog and a rabbit.
That's weird, aren't there any other animals in the forest?

Well there are, but they are not important.
Why are they more important than other animals?

That's not actually true either, all animals were created equal and God loves them all equally, although actually God did not create them either. As you know all animals including man evolved from bacteria, so they are all equally important. But in this case we shall only be focusing our attention on the fox and the rabbit because the story is but a mere microcosm of their lives, unless of course one of them dies in the story. Nevertheless the story deals only with a small time and space frame revolving around their interaction, which is interesting and simultaneously morally educational. Do you understand?

Um...

Should we continue with the story?
Wait. You started a sentence with 'But'. How come you get to do that but I don't?

Hmm... well, you see, starting a sentence with 'But' is a bad habit. That's why you should not do it. Because once you catch the habit, its very hard to let it go.
Unlike the 'wabbit' which keeps getting away, right Dad? Elmer Fudd, right Dad?

Wabbit? What... whatever... yes... bad habit, very bad habit and very addictive.
Hmm... is it like when uncle smokes cigarettes.

**Damn it** ... ahem. Yes and no. Yes, because both are bad habits and addictive. And no because while 'but' might occasionally make a sentence grammatically incorrect, smoking will kill you. Uncle will die soon, so don't ever smoke.
OK, so what happened to the fox and the rabbit?

OK, so the rabbit is drinking water from a pond, and the fox sees it. Now the fox wants to eat the rabbit, right? Now while the fox is about to pounce, the dog also happens to come by and sees the rabbit. Now both the fox and dog want to eat the rabbit.
Why don't they just divide the rabbit between them?

Well they're animals so they don't share like people. When they see food, they want to eat it all.

Yeah OK.

So the dog and the fox both start running towards the rabbit.

Oooh... who is faster, who is faster?

Well, foxes are usually more agile and quicker than dogs.

Hehe, so the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog?

What... no, the dog is not lazy, it's simply slower than the fox?

OK, but the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog, right?

What the h... Where did you get all that? I didn't say the fox was brown.

Hahaha.. that's a English pangram, dad, it has all the 26 letters in one sentence.

Huh... ok... wait ... a, b.. m.. u v x y z... damn it, it does.
Finish the story, Dad, what happens to the tortoise?

Well then the tortoise starts running, of course very slo...
Hahaha, you don't even remember, you were telling me the fox story, but I asked you about the tortoise and you started telling that story. OK, so what happens to the rabbit?

Damn it. You know what the rabbit runs away and the fox and dog don't get any food. You know why, because instead of getting food, the fox and the dog stood around asking questions instead of getting the rabbit. Moral of the story, don't ask too many questions. There used to be a time when my father would tell me a story and I would listen and if I had a question he would answer it and I would be satisfied.
Hmm... what are you saying Dad, that you were dumber than your dad or that I am smarter than you?

I don't know.

This is a scene that you might see when a narration of the Panchatantra goes wrong. For a musical rendition of India's most beloved stories, make sure you visit the Comedy Store, Mumbai, on 18^th and 19^th December, 2010. Full details here.

Miss what??

I was watching the Miss Earth presentation ceremony highlights yesterday. As you probably know, Nicole Faria from India became the first Indian winner of the contest. I might have been watching the show, especially the swimsuit rounds, a bit too closely. Whatever the reason was, my girlfriend (who was watching with me) was pissed. The last thing I heard as she banged the door behind her was: 'Do I have to win one of these to get you interested in me?'

Then I started thinking. What if my girlfriend actually could win one of these?

Some googling later, I found that aspiring beauty queens worldwide can compete for four main crowns - Miss World, Miss Universe, Miss International and Miss Earth. At the Miss Earth competition alone, there are three more crowns at stake - Miss Earth Water, Miss Earth Fire and Miss Earth Air.

It is clear that there are more crowns coming. The question is: how many more? The answer is easy. Everyone wants more beauty contests, right? Right. And Miss World and Miss Universe are kind of equal in prestige, right? Therefore, every entity in the universe that's between the Earth and the Universe in size can have a beauty contest named after it. So that's half the solar system, and pretty much every star and galaxy in the universe. That's not too bad, there must be at least 2 billion of them with names.

So, in a few years, we could potentially have 2 billion beauty contests at an all-'World' level. And my girlfriend is definitely in the top 2 billion most beautiful women on the planet. I think. I hope.

Problem solved! Now, I just have to convince her.

Living with a magician

Imagine you're married to a magician. Initially, all your friends think it's a cool thing. For a month, you're the happiest woman ever. Then you realize that living with a magician might not be the best thing ever, especially if he's always practicing his tricks. Some of the problems that might arise:

1. Cards (lack of): your friends come around. You want to play a card game with them. Either you can't find any cards, because your magician husband has sliced all of them up during his practice, or he can always find the card he wants during the game, making the game imbalanced. Of course, if you're playing for money and you're in his team, the second quality might come in useful.

2. Sleep (danger): when you're sleeping, your husband comes in. He sees a woman lying down. Now, when a magician sees a woman lying down on stage, his first instinct is to cut her in two and then rejoin the halves - it's his best trick, after all! The only problem is that not too women are queueing up to let him practice on them. So he thinks he'll practice on you - after all, you'll never know. And it would be fine, but just imagine one day that he screws up. Forget a split personality, you'll have a split body.

3. Ropes: many magicians today like to be tied up and left in a tiny enclosure without food or water to make their own way out. Your husband is obviously going to request that you subject him to this at least once a week. This might be a nice thing for you (especially when you're arguing), but just think if a neighbour or friends or the police walk in. They're going to see you tying up your husband and stuffing him into a safe. If they also know you've been arguing, you might have to invent a kinky explanation to stay out of jail.

4. Invisibility (woes): magicians make things disappear and reappear. It's practically their job description. This could be useful when you have a small child who doesn't like to eat things like spinach. But then your husband starts vanishing your mom after they have an argument, or the remote control so that you can never ever watch what you want or (even worse) himself. Definitely not a good thing.

5. No more rabbits as pets: for a magician, a rabbit is not to be kept in a cage, happily munching away at its carrots. It's to be enclosed in a hat so that it can't be seen, and is then to be pulled out by its ears. Would you want that to happen to your pet? The SPCA or PETA would probably arrest you, as well.

6. Bullet point: as his trick of the night, your husband will often catch a bullet within his teeth or in his hand. This is great, but for practice he needs someone to point a gun at him and pull the trigger. 99 nights, he catches it. The hundredth, not so much. As you stare down at his body, you can just see how you'll defend yourself in court: "Well, your honour, you see, my husband and I had this game where we shot at each other. I've done it lots of times before. He could always protect himself before. Today, he was too slow..."


To summarize, magic can be an interesting and amusing thing. If you want to see some real magic happening on stage, check out the theatrical comedy "It's a kind of magic' playing at the Comedy Store, Mumbai, this weekend.

Kind of magic?

You know what makes me mad?

Magic!

Magic, magic tricks, magic cards, magic bunnies, magic pigeons, Magic Johnson, Christmas magic... all of them. Why, you ask? Because magic is fake.

Magicians do tricks.

And that's it. When someone makes the Taj Mahal disappear, it's not like he really does it. Since I'm the Man, and I'm in a bad mood, I'm going to take the top magic tricks of all time and expose their trickery.

1. Criss Angel - walking on water

What he does: That's what the title is for.

Explanation: Since Criss Angel is not Jesus, obviously the people you see in the pool staring up at Criss Angel aren't the only ones in the pool. There are others as well: ones who hold their breath while he body surfs on them. They float around just underneath the water surface, and Criss walks on their hands. These guys never run out of breath, so obviously they are trained Shaolin monks.

Either that or he is walking on a transparent plexi-glass platform.

2. Lance Burton - creating doves

What he does: makes them clean a lot of magic pigeon poop

Explanation: This is by far the simplest trick. Surely everyone knows of Abiogenesis, the spontaneous creation of life. The fact is that if you mix the right chemical in the right proportion in the appropriate conditions, you can create any plant or animal. That's how they are created in nature, girls are made of sugar and spice and boys are made of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails. It's called evolution, go read a book.

So Burton's act probably takes great care and preparation: he has lots of assistants who make many ampoules of the chemical mixtures of pigeon seed. And when the time comes, he pops open the ampoules and out comes a pigeon. I cannot understand why that would deserve any applause whatsoever. It's just basic science.

Some people do claim that Burton keeps all those doves wrapped up in different places inside his suit, bringing them out one by one, but that's just a stupid explanation.

3. David Copperfield - Death Saw

What he does: Cuts himself in half and then rejoins the parts

Now this is a neat trick, I have to give Copperfield that much credit. When I saw this the first time, I was as stumped as you probably are right now. So I watched it again and I caught the trick. You see it only for a brief second but if you watch carefully where I tell you you'll spot how he does the trick.

So he cuts himself in half, right? Then at 4:50-4:53, you see the trick. He does a sly hand gesture that no one in the audience sees. And then (the camera sees it only fleetingly, but try to notice carefully) the clock ticks backwards. He turns back time!!! The camera moves away quickly, but now it's plain. He simply turns back time! Obviously in doing so, his body goes back to being whole again and then he comes out unscathed. But what did you expect? It's like saying he comes back from the dead by going back in time to when he was alive. Real magic would be to restore his body without going back in time. This, obviously, is not real magic, just basic high school science - time travel.

At least the above tricks required some training and high school level science. Some tricks, though, are not even worth explaining.

I mean, David Blaine was televised and applauded for staying 44 days without food. Seriously? More than a billion people worldwide, mostly in India, China and Africa are doing his best magic trick every single month of their lives. And Penn and Teller's bullet catch (where they catch bullets fired from a revolver in their mouths), come on! Indians have perfected that art for centuries now, spearheaded most notably in the last few decades by Rajinikanth, Govinda and dozens of B-grade heroes.

It's like they are not even trying any more, and just doing common everyday occurrences on stage. Next thing you know, they will have a dude eating a sandwich on stage. That's it, applaud everyone, one moment you see the sandwich, the next it's gone!!

To summarize, professional magic is fake and overrated and anyone could do those tricks. If you want to see some real magic happening on stage, check out the theatrical comedy "It's a kind of magic' playing at the Comedy Store, Mumbai, this weekend.

Watch out for Part 2 of this post - Living with a Magician - coming tomorrow.

The Love Guru Paradox

The Love Guru is a man (or men) who inhabits the late night slot on your local radio station. The exalted one, he has dedicated his life to answering the queries of anguished callers on all the difficult questions they have about their love life, dating life and sex life (or lack thereof). And he seems to know a lot. Have you ever stumped a love guru with any question, or ever heard of such an incident?
Always audibly shaken, but never stirred; he is wildly unconventional and strictly moral at the same time. With equal ease, he handles teenagers developing budding forbidden passions for their cousins and 40-year old moms insecure about their appearance - he doesn't blink even when asked how to get a date as an engineering college student. And his voice, his soothing, gentle drone, no matter what your trouble might be, one call and he has you nodding in agreement... and/or drowsiness.

Hence the paradox. Why is such a distinguished man, obviously possessing every skill necessary to get with the hottest ladies (including a hypnotic sedative voice), stuck every night on radio, recording in a small room somewhere?


We see that time and again all around us, don't we. People selling get rich quick schemes. If they know how to, why aren't they rich already? And if this is how they are getting there, then why doesn't their book have 'write a self help book' as the best get rich quick scheme?


I call it the Love Guru Paradox, where a person claims to be superlatively capable, enough to be advising other people on how to be awesome, yet has himself not capitalised on the wisdom of his teachings. Prophets of change, or so they would claim, yet they would spend their lives sitting in a basement, probably blogging their lives away. Phoney Nerds. Well, if there is an answer to this paradox, no mere mortal can find it. This is job for 'The Man'. Dont worry dear readers, I will find the secret of success, and when I do, you had better watch out for that blog post.

Harry Potter needs Money!

Harry Potter is stupid.

He is scheduled to face Voldemort on the big screen in July. Yet, all he can do is travel across England looking for parts of his soul. I think he could do better. He has with him at least a thousand magical devices which he can sell to Muggles for profit. After that, he just hires a gunman to shoot Voldemort.

Here are some specific for-profit ideas that he should put into practice immediately. There are many more (e.g. selling his invisibility cloak to media-shy celebrities), but that would bring infinite profits, but these are more fun.

China - 1, India - 0

The Asian Games concluded a few days ago - there's been an overload of news from Chinatown. After the event. Let me be the first to admit, I like this Chinese system where they don't let any cats out of their iron fisted bags until after it's all over. It took India about 6 years after the initial bidding to even start working on the Games, and barely 6 months after that to convince the whole world into believing that if they came here for the Games, they would be crushed under a bridge while trying to escape a crazy terrorist because you can't run fast enough when you have diarrhoea. The Indian Media... they should learn from China and wait till the end of the event before they start telling people they might have died at the event.

Breaking News China gave the ragtag bunch of starry eyed water polo rookies a chance to make fools of themselves on a grand stage befitting their valiant hearts. As fate would have it, this was the only event I got to watch in the entire Asian Games. Don't ask me why I was watching women's water polo on a Tuesday afternoon, I'm spontaneous like that.
Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure the viewership of the Asian Games was about 20 times higher in India during those 2 hours. Sorry girls, such is life. If life was like Rocky, you would be heroes. But life is usually more like A Perfect Storm, with a bit of Dabangg thrown in.
SideNote: That is the highest complement I have ever accorded our chesty brat, take a bow Mr Khan. And ease up on the pills, or the workout, or the Aishwarya, or whatever they call it these days.

We want to win too! But the main news is that China pretty much paid our brave water polo girls to lose, all to secure 1 more medal. Before you think Hindi-Chini have any sibling camaraderie, it is also said that China denied entry to the Indian equestrian team to ensure they did not challenge Chinese riders taking another gold. I think we should learn from the Chinese and host our own Asian or Commonwealth or Olympic or some other games.
Some of the new sports we should introduce to the world -
Kabaddi, Cricket, Gulli Danda, Hand Cricket, Gully Cricket, Book Cricket, Poshampa and Chidiya Ud.

Where the Media comes in And then we prevent the teams of any country who have a remote chance of beating us at our own game from participating. But it will be tough to do that; any conspiracy or bribes and the astute Indian media will pick up on it in a second and expose our devious scheme to the world. If only the Indian Media would work with the government rather than against it. Perhaps we could convince the countries to not want to participate at all. Ha, we should just scare them away, using ridiculously exaggerated stories about tropical sicknesses, terrorists and urban disasters. Then only the poorest, most hopeless countries who have it worse than us will dare to participate, and we could crush them.
If only we were like China, if only the Media would do that for us...