How to understand your girlfriend - for dummies...

... or for scientists, which is pretty much the same. For the first time ever, this topic has been treated with the respect it deserves, so that you know exactly what to do when something goes wrong. I'm like a doctor! This is part 1 of my prescription.


Symptom
Girlfriend is not talking to you.
Problem
You have forgotten something, could it be her birthday?
Solution
Pick a gift from the assortment of emergency gifts that you have hidden, and give to girlfriend. If you do not have any emergency gifts, buy some for the next time and pray for now.

Symptom
Girlfriend screaming at you and you have no idea what she is talking about.
Problem
Inability to comprehend feminine language.
Solution
Try to put the words coming out of her mouth in sentence form and understand it. Practice conversation with close friends first before trying this. Be prepared for failure.

Symptom
Girlfriend is sleeping.
Problem
Girlfriend is tired, or bored.
Solution
Check if and when you had sex today. If it's after sex, good, go to sleep. If before sex, bad, wake up girlfriend. If it is during sex, consult doctor and get appropriate medication.

Symptom
Girlfriend spending too much time with her girlfriends.
Problem
She needs female companionship.
Solution
Have multiple girlfriends of yours living together. More realistically, try to be more metrosexual.

Symptom
Girlfriend says she needs more space.
Problem
You are not giving her space.
Solution
Save a million dollars and book a trip for two in the next Russian space mission. Or buy her a diamond ring.

Symptom
Girlfriend not at home.
Problem
You don't have girlfriend.
Solution
Get girlfriend. Or get internet connection.

This post was just one example of how men struggle to understand women. This Saturday, you can watch the definitive play on female empowerment. Catch the Vagina Monologues live at the Comedy Store, Mumbai. More details here.