Revenge of the flight passengers

Lately flights have really been pissing me off. Loud cellphone conversation, crying kids, overexcited movie watchers, psycho airhostesses... its like a circus up there. Except you are not in the audience, you, the animals and the clowns are trapped in a metal tube 30,000 feet in the air and its -30 degrees outside.
But I’m the Man, and I don’t take anything lying down. Nor uncomfortably seated in a 135 degree seat with an oversized headrest and no legroom. If I get tricked into paying Rs 3300 (with taxes and surcharges) after clicking on a Rs 50 flight, you better have my inflight entertainment juiced up, cos I’m going to have my money’s worth, one way or another. Follow these tips and help make air travel a smoother ride for all.


Captain Co-Conspire
Loud and incessant phone conversations and ringtones are as irritating as they are a flight security issue. So it should not be hard to convince the captain to announce in the middle of the flight that due to rampant phone usage despite warnings, the plane has become unstable and will definitely crash into Shark Bay, Pacific Ocean. The only way to survive will be if everyone who has a switched-on phone on board immediately opens their cell phones and smashes the signal receiver and SIM into pieces no bigger than 1cm x 1cm or else the signal will be picked up even if they switch it off. Of course, the captain will be assured that once he says this in a grim and serious tone, you will get up and tell everyone it was a joke and they don’t actually have to smash their phones.
And you will, but you might just wait a few minutes...

Accente
We are not in America. In international flights, it’s possible that some foreigners might not understand unless explained to in their accent. But when the airhostess in the flight from Vishakhapatnam to Ahmedabad ‘kaynt offa ya any mo draink’ , there’s something wrong. So ping the crew and ask for water. If you get ‘waada’, just act like you cant understand and say you didnt ask for ‘waada’. After a while, do the same and ask for a drink. If you get a ‘draynk’, rinse and repeat. Keep on doing this till she corrects her accent, and when she does, give her a chocolate. Not ‘chyaawklit’.

Baby boys dont Cry!!
This one’s pretty easy. You are trapped in a metal coffin, can’t go anywhere, can’t sleep, can’t read and just want to scream your head off in pain, all because there are three babies on the plane. So just do it. Next time any of the babies cry, wail like a banshee and keep screaming till the baby stops. If anyone asks, just say you have acute allergy to crying babies and they make your brain cells swell and explode one by one making you scream in pain. Soon the parents, or someone else, will either punch the baby into unconsciousness or throw it out of the plane.

Holy Seat!!
As bad as obnoxious passengers, crying babies and psycho airhostesses sound, we all know, the single worst A-hole on the flight is the guy booked in the seat next to you who thinks its perfectly logical to sit in your window seat because he boarded the flight before you. The laws of interstate bus travel apparently hold in all moving coffins.
Usually he would wait until you ask him to move, deriving sadistic pleasure in your awkwardness and embarrassment. But you cant let him win. So next time, dont ask him to move. Instead turn the tables and obey the rules of interstate bus travel. All the rules. Ask him how much his ticket cost and tell him yours cost just half of that. Play the best Bhojpuri movie you can find on the in flight movie list and sing along all the songs and maybe dance in your seat a little. Get a packet of peanut and chips, eat them as loudly as you can and put all the trash under his seat. Sleep on his shoulder, practice your drool. Every 15 minutes ask if you’ve reached the destination and then mutter something about ‘traffic these days’.


Bagging Rights
You’ve survived the circus and if you read this before the flight, you are probably in great spirits. But it’s not over yet. Some retarded guy at the luggage collection counter can’t seem to differentiate between his bag and every other without picking them all off the conveyer, inspecting them thoroughly, only to put them back in, making everyone wait 10 more minutes for their bags.
Grab your phone, pretend to be speaking on it and get right behind the compulsive bagger. Whisper loud enough for only this guy to hear “I couldn’t, he picked it up first. Yes the bomb, abort operation, some one else has the bomb. Yes, we cannot let him get away, we should send him to jail.” Then as the guy stares at you in shock, walk over to a policeman or airport security and ask for directions to your destination, all the while animatedly pointing towards the guy who should be shitting his pants right about now.
You can finally go home smiling, knowing you have done some good in the world. But even I, the Man, cannot be as evil to passengers as John Cleese in http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJSey8HRUhU. I'm getting there, though.